The Relationship Overshare Thread

I don't know if it's the economy or when this exactly started happening because I was also busy being an adult, but at some point there has been a shift where people just live at home even in their thirties and they are treated like they are still inept children. Like their parents treat them like that and they are happy to be treated.

And that is absolutely a factor in my experience.

Something I struggle with...Well, my therapist also struggles because of me, pity her... But something I struggle with is when I see people like your coworkers who accept that. Like the bar is in hell and they are happy to take anything. And I usually end up having to hear about it. But then it becomes a matter of all right, but you're still investing with that inept piece of s***, and I'm getting nothing so what am I doing. What's broken with me?
 
altcunningham said:
I don't know if it's the economy or when this exactly started happening because I was also busy being an adult, but at some point there has been a shift where people just live at home even in their thirties and they are treated like they are still inept children. Like their parents treat them like that and they are happy to be treated.

And that is absolutely a factor in my experience.

Something I struggle with...Well, my therapist also struggles because of me, pity her... But something I struggle with is when I see people like your coworkers who accept that. Like the bar is in hell and they are happy to take anything. And I usually end up having to hear about it. But then it becomes a matter of all right, but you're still investing with that inept piece of s***, and I'm getting nothing so what am I doing. What's broken with me?
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This is my sister. 30, still lives at home. Pays no bills there. Goes and works a pretty easy job every day and gets home and has to vegetate on the couch and sleep for a couple of hours every afternoon while my 70 year old parents do all the dinner prep and housework. But don't dare bring that up because you will unleash an emotional tornado. My parents won't be around forever and no one knows what to do about her. My other sister and I will want to sell the house and divide up the money but anytime we mention that she just says "what am I going to do? Just be homeless?" I'm actually considering moving far, far away once my parents pass on just so I don't inherit my sister.
 
I do think a huge part of the living at home thing is economic - one of the aforementioned 28 year olds was living on her own with roommates, got fucked over by their landlord, tried for months to get her own apartment, and was finally like "I guess I live with my parents now because renting an apartment costs more than a mortgage in this city." But it's case by case cos we're seeing a LOT of learned helplessness out there. I was worried my youngest brother would be like that but he managed to pull his shit together, get an apartment, meet a girl, all in his mid-30s. (The turnaround factor for him was finding a job that paid him enough to have self-respect, and now everything he does is motivated for building a better life for their one-year-old. I was convinced in his 20s one of us would inherit taking care of him. Granted my father still does a LOT of managing for him - helping him out with finance questions, general "adulting" as the kids say, but he's come a long, long way.

I thought his meeting his fiancee was part of the thing that pushed him to grow up but she's pretty helpless, too. I think they motivate each other to grow up a lot.
 
Ru1977 said:
That is a great point, and I've thought similar things about my wife many, many times. Probably even this week. When we met, we worked together and we started out as friends, and we developed a really solid, honest friendship. Yes I was hopelessly attracted to her, but so what. And as I got to know her, I was extremely honest with her about all sorts of things, like romantic past, sincere and deep thoughts on pretty much anything that occurred to me, all sorts of things one probably wouldn't normally confess to someone they're hoping to romance. I showed her all sorts of belly and under the hood and other metaphors. And she really saw me for me, I REALLY showed her who I was, what I was about, and what I want in life.... and she went for me anyway. And continues to do so. Yeah I've changed a lot, especially with the kids, and grown a little bit and so on, and I don't know if any of that was really by design. But we still, daily, just talk. About what's going on, what we're thinking. It was such a wonderful foundation.
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I wish hopelessly that this would happen to me right now with one very specific person. But she's in a new relationship with someone she's known longer than me after leaving her husband this summer, so I was clearly not on the list of options there.
 
My brother in law had two kids with a woman we all knew it wouldn't last, but he persisted. They had two kids and he works quite a bit so he wasn't around as much to help with the rearing, but he also vehemently refused to let anything get in the way of his partying and extreme social life. When he decided to end it, she told him no, they're a family now. So he sold his house and told her she isn't living at the new one. She has lived with her parents ever since. For a long time they had a verbal agreement on split custody but neither seems too interested in being a parent. On his days, he usually wants to brings his kids here so we can mind his kids while he lounges on his phone, or he'll come by then 'remember' an appointment he has and leave for several hours. Or if we aren't available he takes them to another brother in law. And we don't really mind because our kids love their cousins and our house is a safe constant for these boys. Meanwhile, their mom isn't much better since she leaves them with her parents or sister frequently, and her parents are really feeble, and like you guys are saying she doesn't help with any bills or anything, yet had a REALLY well paying job, which she is at constantly. She actually leaves the kids with us sometimes too and is always hours later than she said she'd be. And she is like 54 or something, but behaves, and her parents treat her, like she is 18 and figuring out how to adult. Recently my BIL started dating a woman with her own kid, and the way she is with her daughter makes my BIL and his ex look like parents of the year. And they of course rushed right into having all the kids meet and immediately act like a family, but they've broken up three times in the last year. Like serious, ugly breakups that no one should recover from. He gets NASTY when he's had it, but she always comes back and he takes her back. And his ex decided she doesn't like the situation, and how it affects her son's, none of us do, so she took him to court for more custody AND child support. She must have massive savings! Not that he doesn't deserve to be run through the mill. It's just an interesting situation because no matter who wins, all these kids lose. And all these parents use the kids against the other adults, constantly teaching these boys how to lie and such. We're pretty sure they're gonna end up here permanently at least by puberty.

cmoney said:
I wish hopelessly that this would happen to me right now with one very specific person. But she's in a new relationship with someone she's known longer than me after leaving her husband this summer, so I was clearly not on the list of options there.
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Obviously I don't know the specifics but I don't believe in never as long as you're both breathing and on good terms.

One of my oldest friends... Well this isn't a good story for you really but I'll get there. One of my oldest friends from high school, I was into for a while but she was hung up on another guy with my same name, whom I referred to as What's His Name, so I moved on. Years later, she got married and moved away then came back and was getting divorced and contacted me and we had our way with each other for a little while but I no longer wanted something serious with her. She was finally ready for that with me but I was not in a place for that, with her or really anyone looking back. I met my wife and she got weird about that, got even weirder when the kids came. Got REALLY weird on me at my birthday last year. But since then she has been dating and even reconnected with what's his name for a while until he showed he was the same idiot as he was 30 years ago. And she left me a voicemail two weeks ago that I didn't listen to until yesterday about this new guy she met who sounded pretty wonderful and worth settling down for. So I texted her all my excuses for why I hadn't listened yet but he sounds great etc. She responded that they already ended. So, I guess my point is, you never know how long something won't really last, and again I don't know the specifics but I would think if you have a connection, then you always have something to build on so just do that until you have the opportunity to steer into romantic? Not that I am someone to listen to about romance since I haven't had to start something in almost 20 years.
 
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Ru1977 said:
Obviously I don't know the specifics but I don't believe in never as long as you're both breathing and on good terms.

One of my oldest friends... Well this isn't a good story for you really but I'll get there. One of my oldest friends from high school, I was into for a while but she was hung up on another guy with my same name, whom I referred to as What's His Name, so I moved on. Years later, she got married and moved away then came back and was getting divorced and contacted me and we had our way with each other for a little while but I no one get wanted something serious with her. She was finally ready for that with me but I was not in a place for that, with her or really anyone looking back. I met my wife and she got weird about that, got even weirder when the kids came. Got REALLY weird on me at my birthday last year. But since then she has been dating and even reconnected with what's his name for a while until he showed he was the same idiot as he was 30 years ago. And she left me a voicemail two weeks ago that I didn't listen to until yesterday about this new guy she met who sounded pretty wonderful and worth settling down for. So I texted her all my excuses for why I hadn't listened yet but he sounds great etc. She responded that they already ended. So, I guess my point is, you never know how long something won't really last, and again I don't know the specifics but I would think if you have a connection, then you always have something to build on so just do that until you have the opportunity to steer into romantic? Not that I am someone to listen to about romance since I haven't had to start something in almost 20 years.
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I mean, I will still see her at work everyday. It's a bummer that she's more or less stopped texting outside of work since her new guy showed up though. But it's not like I'm getting a new job any time soon.

Ha, her new guy also has my same name. The first I heard of it was when she referred to him as "my (name)" to distinguish him from another friend of hers husband who ALSO has my name. It was not a nice feeling. :)
 
No that sucks. One of my wife's brothers has my name so I always felt that was a hurdle for her toward me heh.

Well, how long has she been seeing this guy?
 
For sure since August. She moved out on her husband in July, and my feeling is that it may've had something to do with this guy, but I don't know that. As long as I've known her, she's talked about her husband in a way that made me think things might not last there. I know she's known the current guy for quite a while in her existing circle of friends though.
 
Eh, still really early, and coming off a marriage so... Really could go either way. If I were you, I would really maintain the friendship. Worst case scenario then is you hold onto someone you really care about at least. And, not to be too sleazy about it, but you're also there for her during bad times with him, or if it ends.
 
docsilence said:
But it's case by case cos we're seeing a LOT of learned helplessness out there.
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Yeah. And related to this, I think the prevalence of neurodivergence folds into it.

So many people I've dated or just talked to use undiagnosed Autism, ADHD, anxiety, bipolar, borderline as an excuse or crutch as to why they behave the way they do. And I understand that it's difficult to get the diagnosis in a lot of health Care systems. But to just take it off Reddit and self-declare and then decide you're going to be the worst case scenario and use that as a free pass to essentially just be an irresponsible or selfish a******. Two things can be true.

No one is more sympathetic than I, who holds a Bingo on the card, but c'mon. I just can't play the helpless victim about it. You gotta address things and know how to handle the basics. But I never had a family that would be that safety net past a free advice on bootstraps.
 
It feels like someone should study the "failure to launch" folks. I'm not sure if there's more of it now, but I have a ton of friends who qualify.

The most interesting juxtaposition is that two of my friends went to college for a semester and then dropped out. One of them was kicked out of his house when he was maybe 23 or 24, and he landed on his feet. Ironically, he takes care of the whole family now. The other one has a parent who would never kick him out, so he's still there. He's 29 and has never had a job.

It's something that used to worry me all the time. I have that mother duck instinct that wants everyone to have a good life. I eventually realized that you can't make people do something, even if it's to their benefit. What happens when his mom dies and he has nowhere to go? What happens when he tries to apply for a job without any previous experience at 30 years old? I don't know, and I can't worry myself sick over it. I've offered to review his resume, serve as a job reference, or screen jobs for him. The offer is always open, but I can't make him take it. I hope it works out for him.
 
Used to know someone that had a sibling that failed to launch and just stayed at home taking care of the mother while the father just did his own thing.

He told me he asked his brother what the plan was when the parents passed or went to a home, and his brother explained he had plans in place to kill himself so he wouldn't be a burden on the other siblings, and they could do what they needed with the inheritance and house.

In essence, they were aware of the life they lived and were content to check out once that ride was over because they don't want to face the real world.
 
My shit heel older brother lives with our 83 year old mother. He is in his 50s and hasn't had a job or any other source of income in 25 years. He does next to nothing to help around the house. My mom does all of the grocery shopping and cooks all of his meals. He can't even do his own laundry or the dishes. He literally yells from his room for my mom to bring him snacks, like a real life Cartman, then bitches that she bought him the wrong flavor of goldfish crackers. There is nothing physically stopping him from getting a job. He's a narcissist on a Trumpian level (only he wasn't born into a rich family). He can't fuck off and die soon enough.
 
The taking care of the parents part is interesting - I have an aunt who's like a second mother to me who never moved out of her parents' house, but she stayed with them as they both aged, became a parent to THEM. Has always had a job, though she's struggled to keep a good one (she works her ass off but keeps ending up in industries that tech companies fuck over--currently medical coding I think where her company is trying to ship her job overseas, and she's in her 70s now and still working).

When my grandparents died, they talked about the house and the other eight siblings went that house is HERS and none of us are taking a dime from it. She earned it by being there for them so we could raise our kids. It's like the opposite of failure to launch, more of a mutual aid thing. (She is so beloved by her 23 nieces and nephews that we'd all pool together to take care of her if she ever wants or needs to stop working, though I swear to gawd not getting married or having kids has kept her young - you'd think she was like 55 and not 71 the way she gets around to see all the family and the age she looks. I hope she outlives ME. But I've always wondered if she was lonely and wanted more, or if she was asexual or demisexual before those terms were common parlance.)
 
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