G.I. Joe Head Canon & Fanfic Filecards

Clutch deserves a retro card figure, maybe in his tan uniform.

And yeah, the thing that comes up with Clutch in various media is he's the foot in mouth guy - his file card specifically says he calls women "chicks" and he kinda sexually harasses Cover Girl but in this fictional world where our good guys are actual good guys, I figured - let him be willing to learn and get better at stuff. Because we're allowed to do that, even if way, way too many people refuse to get better.

Sorry I added Pythona regret to your list. Her file card was actually inspired by my throwing her in some photos with Crystal Ball in the other thread this weekend and being like... oh, this inspires a story.
 
Code Name: Alpine (Disavowed)
File Name: Pine, Albert M.
Primary Military Specialty: Mountain trooper
Secondary Military Specialty: Finance Clerk
Birthplace: Minidoka, Idaho
Rank: E-4

Subject accepted early retirement with the termination of the GI Joe Unit and quickly settled in to a quiet civilian life, working part-time as a seasonal accountant and as both a part-time moutainn climbing instructor and search and rescue volunteer. Pine raised the suspicions of surveillance agents early on as he would, with some regularity, disappear into the mountains on climbs too high and remote for agents to pursue. However, in the words of one agent assigned to Pine, "the man appears to simply be climbing to nowhere." It has been determined that Pine is not a risk and only the most basic monitoring is necessary.

"We always knew Alpine was climbing more than mountains when he geared up. Al's climbing to escape his past, and escape himself, and when he lost the found family he had in us, man, he just found something new to try to claw his way out of. But he's going places nobody can follow. Bazooka's always checking in on him like a momma hen, but 'zook is as locked to the ground as Alpine is untethered by it, and Bazooka knows he can't go where he goes. But anyway, Dial Tone got wind of Al's excursions, making his way to where the earth reaches those stony fingers into the heavens, and he asked Al if he'd be able to carry something up there to the top of the world. Of course he said yes. And that's how we have our own encrypted transmitter that's able to reach damned near anywhere in the world so Hawk and the boys can talk to each other without Ma Bell or Rexford Lewis listening in..."
 
I really dig how subtly inept Cobra's forces are more often than not. It's always something like Alpine here where they're just "I dunno man.. he just climbs shit.. I'm sure it's nothing."
 
Alpine was always one of those Joes whose file card gave him more depth than the cartoon. Sunbow played him for laughs and Larry's over here like "Alpine climbs because he wants to reach his dreams and leave poverty behind."
 
Code Name: Falcon (Disavowed)
File Name: Falcone, Vincent R.
Primary Military Specialty: Infantry
Secondary Military Specialty: Medic
Birthplace: Fayetteville, North Carolina
Rank: O-2 (1st Lt.)

Subject was on assignment in Nama-Petgardi at the time the GI Joe Unit was disbanded. He, along with two other teammates, were working alongside native insurgents in the sub-Antarctic nation against a Cobra-backed political coup (note: President Lewis has given his full support to the new government of Nama-Petgardi in return for favorable trade rates for the island's rare mineral deposits, which are pivotal for certain advanced weapon systems.) Falcone has been working as consultant, though what he consults on is unclear. This role has put him in touch with movers and shakers in the tech and finance industries, many of whom have taken a liking to him to an extent that President Lewis is displeased by. We have a team on standby to bring Falcone in for questioning, but according to Tomax Paoli, the former Joe's relationships with these key figures may lead to uncomfortable questions if he's taken into custody.

"You bite one head off one snake one time and people call you a 'snake biter' for the rest of your life. Yeah, that's a true story, but it's really illustrative of what Falcon's really good at. The man can talk to anyone and get you on his side. And yeah, yeah, we talk about Green Berets getting 'ignorant savages' to work with them, but Falcon knows there's no such thing as an ignorant savage - what you really need to do is understand how to talk to people, to know what they want to hear, to listen to them, and to say the right things to earn their respect, and get them on your side when the bullets start flying. What he's doing right now is biting proverbial heads off snakes to get some of the slimiest pieces of garbage in the world to look at the disavowed Joes in a very favorable light so when Lewis makes his big move, Wall Street might not be on his side. Of course Falcon's also doing shots at strip clubs with some truly horrible people so he can tell us who we can't trust when things get hot..."
 
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