G.I. Joe Classified Series: The Chatty Pointless Thread & Performance Art

I'm going to admit my absolute nightmare of an intrusive thought about Dreadnoks and their favorite foods. And I say this as a Dreadnok apologist, I love my headcanon that they're freewheeling anarchists who are often not very bright but nowhere near as evil as actual biker gangs in the real world.

But I was translating social media hieroglyphics a few months back with someone trying to circumvent the content filters on one of the more oppressive apps, and she used the grape emoji as sexual assault, and I had the intrusive thought: wait, was the biker gang drinking grape sode like, code for them being sexual predators like criminal biker gangs often are? Then does that mean chocolate donuts are...

And then I stuck my fingers in my ears, closed my eyes and went "LA LA LA THEY'RE JUST CARTOON BAFOON VILLAINS, LARRY DID NOT MEAN THAT STOP IT EVIL BRAIN"
 
I mean I have my whole head-canon that with some marked exceptions (Firefly, Interrogator, Cesspool and Headman come to mind) Cobra’s “evil” isn’t full-tilt monstrous. So like that kind of, er, grape-ing isn’t their style.
 
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Like I said, it was an intrusive thought connecting modern cultural references with an old cartoon joke. Mostly because as you pointed out, they were drinking grape sode and eating donuts cos Hasbro wasn't going to have them doing shots of Evan Williams and doing lines of coke off strippers' belly buttons.
 
I mean...have you had a Grapeco? Can you blame them?
regular_grapico.png
 
So:
I was just opening a couple Lady Crimson Guards and thinking about the “why” of it all (beyond “lady troops are cool”) and it occurred to me: these vixens are TERRIFYING.
Hear me out:
So Siegies are are high-level guards and (in armor) field commanders, but their main purpose is business/social/political infiltration, right? Freds, etc, “you never know who might have a crimson uniform hanging in their closet”, you get me.
Now: imagine that applied to a femme operative.
The Senator’s sleek date, the volatile talking head on cable news, the “girl boss” on the magazine cover, that pop star billionaire who just gives SO MUCH back to her fans, that hot chick in the corner at the Ivy League frat party for up-and-coming nepo-bros . . . which of THEM have a crimson uniform hanging in their closet?
Now imagine you know the intel about the Crimson Guard functions. You are clear on their potential reach and the danger they pose. Then Cobra Commander gives one of his filmed ultimatums: in the background are a full platoon of obviously-femme Guard.
“I asssssure you, we have wayssssss of breaching your sssssecurity.”
How nervous are you now?

How nervous are you if Shipwreck’s on leave?
 
AceofKnaves said:
So:
I was just opening a couple Lady Crimson Guards and thinking about the “why” of it all (beyond “lady troops are cool”) and it occurred to me: these vixens are TERRIFYING.
Hear me out:
So Siegies are are high-level guards and (in armor) field commanders, but their main purpose is business/social/political infiltration, right? Freds, etc, “you never know who might have a crimson uniform hanging in their closet”, you get me.
Now: imagine that applied to a femme operative.
The Senator’s sleek date, the volatile talking head on cable news, the “girl boss” on the magazine cover, that pop star billionaire who just gives SO MUCH back to her fans, that hot chick in the corner at the Ivy League frat party for up-and-coming nepo-bros . . . which of THEM have a crimson uniform hanging in their closet?
Now imagine you know the intel about the Crimson Guard functions. You are clear on their potential reach and the danger they pose. Then Cobra Commander gives one of his filmed ultimatums: in the background are a full platoon of obviously-femme Guard.
“I asssssure you, we have wayssssss of breaching your sssssecurity.”
How nervous are you now?

How nervous are you if Shipwreck’s on leave?
Click to expand...
I actually play around with this over in that file card series. Cobra Commander as president with a perfectly designed for public appeal wife who is actually a Crimson Guard - the "perfect woman" to voters but who is also a highly skilled CG operative.

(And one card details the first highly successful female CG who becomes the prototype for female agents after the success of the Fred program.)
 
Stupid fucking Doc.

Was taking my son around for some fun treats after his immunizations today. Went to the gaming store and grabbed some dice and a few brushes, and a cool little chest for his dice. Then swung by EB and what did they have? The Cobra-La Royal Guard. Did I want it? Nope. Was never really interested.
But then I got to thinking about those damn filecards and shit, Doc's body/cosmic horror got me and I left with a Cobra-La Royal Guard. Like an IDIOT. This thing is almost 55 bucks Canadian.

Is it worth 55 bucks?
No. It isn't. It really isn't. But is it cool? Yeeeah, unfortunately, it is really cool. For the price, my big wish is that he'd come with grasping/claw hands rather than just some regular lame ol' trigger finger hands. But that's okay. He's still gonna look excellent on the shelf terrorizing some Joes -AND- some Cobras.
 
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